High-Functioning Survival Mode

For a long time, I thought being exhausted was normal.

I thought constantly thinking, constantly doing, constantly carrying everyone and everything was just part of being an adult.

I didn't realise I was living in survival mode because I'd been there for so long.

In this episode of Unfinished & Unapologetic, I'm talking about high-functioning survival mode: the kind where you still show up, still get the work done, still look like you've got it all together, while quietly running on caffeine, anxiety, mental to-do lists, and sheer stubbornness.

We talk about why slowing down can feel uncomfortable, why rest can bring up guilt instead of relief, and how living in a constant state of stress can become so familiar that you stop recognising it for what it is.

I also share my own experiences with burnout, mental health, hyper-independence, and the pressure of always being "the capable one." Because sometimes what looks like strength from the outside is actually survival mode dressed up as capability.

If you've ever wondered why you can't relax, why calm feels suspicious, or why you're exhausted even when you're doing all the things you're supposed to do, this conversation is for you.

Because surviving isn't the same thing as living.

And maybe it's time for both of us to learn the difference.

Transcript

Welcome To Unfinished And Unapologetic

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to Unfinished and Up Apologetic, the podcast where we get into the nitty-gritty of real life, starting over and figuring out who the hell we are now. No tilter, no shame, a little messy, still not done. I'm your face page. And if you're a woman over 40 who's ready to embrace the chaos, unpack the bullshit, and navigate the next chapter of your life without pretending you've got it all together, you're in the right place. Let's dive in together. Welcome to Unfinished and Unapologetic, the podcast where we get into the nitty-gritty of real life, starting over and figuring out who the hell we are now. No tilter, no shame, a little messy, still not done. I'm your face page. And if you're a woman over 40 who's ready to embrace the chaos, unpack the bullshit, and navigate the next chapter of your life without pretending you've got it all together, you're in the right place. Let's dive in together.

What High-Functioning Survival Looks Like

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Hello, welcome back to episode two of Unfinished and Unapologetic. I'm just gonna dive right into today's topic and hopefully not talk a mile a minute, so I'm gonna try and slow down a little bit because today we're talking about something I honestly didn't even realize I was stuck in for years. And that's high-functioning survival mode. So this could look different for you, but for me, and I think for a lot of women, it basically just means that your life looks functional from the outside. But you are really being held together by caffeine, anxiety, mental to-do lists, twisted humor, and pure stubbornness. And we become so good at this without even noticing it, don't we? Because we're still showing up, we're still going to work, we are still paying the bills, still answering those texts, still remembering everyone else's appointments while forgetting where we put our own sanity. So nobody really questions whether we're okay. And eventually, we stopped questioning it too. I genuinely thought that being permanently stressed out was just adulting, like taxes or lower back pain after 40. I thought constantly thinking about what needed doing next was normal. I thought being mentally on or, you know, switched on all the time, that was normal too. I thought lying in bed exhausted while my brain replayed conversations from like 2007 or something for no reason whatsoever was just part of being a responsible woman. And I mean, I got good at it, like really good at it. I was great at functioning while being completely and totally emotionally exhausted. My work still got done, I still took my meds, people could still rely on me, and I still handled all my shit. But because I could still function, I didn't realize how much of my life was actually being lived in that complete survival mode state. And I know I'm not the only one. A lot of us become the woman who copes, the strong one, the dependable one, the one who keeps going no matter what's going on inside. And people admire that version of you, right? They praise it. I mean, how many times have you heard, oh my god, you handle everything so well? Or I don't know how you do it. Or you're so strong. Meanwhile, you're over here white knuckling, like thinking, don't look too fucking closely, right? Because surviving and living, they're not the same thing.

Why Real Rest Feels Wrong

SPEAKER_00 4:45

I didn't realize how deeply survival mode had wired itself into me until I noticed how fucking uncomfortable I was with rest. And I don't mean rest like collapsing on the couch after a hard day or zoning out, you know, doom scrolling because my brain couldn't process another thought. I mean actual rest. Doing nothing without guilt. Right? Without feeling lazy, without mentally listing 27 things that I should be doing instead. And I'm not being dramatic here when I tell you that I felt like I was defying the laws of nature. Like next level uncomfortable, it was that confronting. Because at some point I'd really stopped living my life and had started managing it instead. Managing my responsibilities, managing my stress, managing all my emotions, managing other people's comfort levels, managing expectations, and managing how overwhelmed I felt, just so nobody noticed that I was struggling.

When Stress Becomes Your Baseline

SPEAKER_00 6:05

And after enough years strung together of living like that, your nervous system starts treating stress like it's home. And there's real science that backs this up, guys. Like it's not a new thing. There's so many books out there on regulating your nervous system if you want to deep dive it. Or you just have to scroll through your TikTok feeds to see different versions of the same thing. Your body actually adapts to chronic stress. So if you've spent years in survival mode, whatever that looks like for you, heartbreak, burnout, walking on eggshells, suppressing emotions, constantly overfunctioning, dealing with trauma or mental health issues alone. Your body starts expecting that pressure all of the time. Which is why calm moments can start feeling really uncomfortable, suspicious even, like things are too quiet, and your brain is like, yeah, no, something's not right here. And I I I really think that's why so many of us struggle with slowing down. Because when everything gets quiet, you can finally hear yourself. And let's face it, that's the part we avoid. The real truth of it. The exhaustion, the resentment, the loneliness, the grief. The fact that maybe you've spent years being emotionally available to everybody else, except yourself. I mean, we're constantly asking ourselves what needs doing, far more often than how am I actually doing. And those are very different questions.

Survival Mode As An Identity

SPEAKER_00 8:24

I talk a lot about the things that make up our identity, because a lot goes into that, right? So much of who we are happened when we weren't paying attention. And survival mode becomes dangerous when it turns into your identity. When you become known as the capable one, the strong one, the one who never needs anything. Because after a while, you stop knowing who you are outside of coping. You become emotionally efficient instead of emotionally connected. And look, hyperindependence gets praised a lot in our society. We ourselves take a certain amount of pride in being that way. And I'm not about to put shit on it if it's working for you. If it's not a front, if it's not masking something else, and it's adding to your sense of self, then more power to you. And I really mean that like fucking awesome. But sometimes hyperindependence is just I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone. And that's not empowerment, that's survival instinct. And I say that with love, okay? That's what you're here for, right? The truth. I don't sugarcoat shit, and I'm here to help you and to work through all of this shit with you. And I definitely don't have all the answers. I'm still total work in progress. But I want every single woman in their 40s or their 50s to be the fucking amazing human beings that they should be. Because so many of us have just become so skilled at performing fine in air quotes, okay? We'll be running on fumes saying, all good with a smile, while internally our nervous system is filing incident reports. Like eventually your body's screaming what your mouth won't say.

unknown 10:46

Shit.

SPEAKER_00 10:47

I'm pretty sure I said the same thing in episode one about suppressing emotions, but it's true, right? It sums it up perfectly. You become exhausted, flat, emotionally numb, or one of my favorites, it's overstimulated by the smallest fucking things. You start craving silence and alone time. Not because you don't love people, well, maybe, but because you're just plain tired. Not I need a holiday tired, I mean soul deep tired, tired of coping, tired of carrying, tired of overfunctioning, tired of being okay because everybody else is used to you being okay.

Gen X Women And Being Done

SPEAKER_00 11:38

And I feel like our generation of women are just done being tired. We're not old. I mean, every generation probably says that right. Yes, we are aging, but we're owning it. And I swear, Gen X women are really a different breed altogether. We were raised in this strange crossover between old school survival and modern independence. We learned to cope early, to push through and to keep functioning no matter what was happening emotionally, and we look damn fucking good doing it too. And I think now we're hitting this point in life where women are really starting to wake up and question everything. You know what I mean? Oops. I um think I went off on a tangent there, sorry. But like I could honestly do a whole episode on this because I think there's something really powerful happening with women in our generation right now. We're starting to realize we actually deserve lives that feel good to live, not just lives we survive. So, sorry, getting back to the episode topic, we're done being tired, right? We're done just surviving and being on autopilot. But how do we change

The Self Check-In That Changes Things

SPEAKER_00 13:04

it? So for me, part of it was when I realized that I didn't actually check in with myself very often. I checked my calendar, I checked my emails, my responsibilities, I checked my endless to-do lists, but not myself. So think about it, right? Honestly, when was the last time you checked in with yourself? Like proper checked in, not just surface level. It's been a while, right? I was the same, and I had to sit with it for a bit because just the realization that I didn't do it was like, fuck, what do I do now? And that triggered something in me. A good trigger, okay. And it might for you too. I started paying attention to what I was saying and doing, and I'd write that shit down. I noticed when I was running on anxiety instead of energy, and I wrote that shit down. I'd pay attention to every time I said I'm fine, and I'd write that shit down. I noticed when I was overwhelmed but still trying to push through because resting was unproductive, and I'd write that shit down. I started writing everything down, and not in a beautifully scripted journal or a diary or anything like that. I mean, sometimes it was just a sentence or two in my notes app, but you've got to write it down. Call yourself out and be brutal with your honesty. Because seeing your thoughts written down in front of you, it hits differently. It's harder to minimize yourself when it's sitting there in black and white. And that's where the change actually starts.

Wrap Up And Reach Out

SPEAKER_00 15:03

And that wraps up episode two for Unfinished and Unapologetic. Thank you so much for joining me again and bearing with me while I navigate this new podcast world. Um, I really appreciate it. I hope I slowed down enough and um it wasn't quite as disjointed as episode one. But I really wanted to say thank you and that I appreciate you being here. And if something in this episode hit home, if you felt seen, understood, called out a little, inspired, any of it, I'd genuinely love to hear from you. And if you go ahead and try any of the things we talked about, writing that shit down, please send me a message and tell me about it. Because honestly, those are my favorite conversations. You can find me over on Instagram and TikTok at unuofficial.au or on Facebook, unfinished and unapologetic. Or you can DM me if you want to leave a message, have any questions, or just want to tell me about what you'd like to hear next. Thank you so much, and I love and appreciate you all more than you know. Until next time. Remember, we're doing this side by side. Every chapter we explore together, I bought some version of it to be. So if today's episode came with one thing to think about, feel, question, or try. I'd love to hear how you use it. Until next time, keep embracing the messy, unfinished, unapologetic.