The Version of Me People Were Comfortable With

For years, I thought being easygoing was one of my best qualities.

I was the one who didn't make a fuss. The one who kept the peace. The one who adapted, accommodated, and carried more than I should have.

What I didn't realise was how much of myself I was losing in the process.

In this first episode of Unfinished & Unapologetic, I'm talking about people-pleasing, self-abandonment, identity loss, and the uncomfortable realisation that sometimes the version of us everyone loves is also the version that's exhausted.

If you've ever been called strong, easygoing, low-maintenance, or "the one who has it all together" while quietly falling apart inside, you're not alone. This conversation is for you.

Because maybe the problem isn't that you've changed.

Maybe you're finally becoming yourself again.

Transcript

Welcome And Who This Is For

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome to this apologetic. The podcast where we get into the nitty-gritty of real life, starting over and figuring out who the hell we are now. No footer, no shame, a little messy, still not done. I'm your face page. If you're a woman over 40 who's ready to embrace the chaos, unpack the bullshit, and navigate the next chapter of your life without pretending you've got it all together, you're in the right place. Let's dive in together. Oh my god, hi, hello, welcome. This is officially the first episode of Unfinished and Unapologetic, which honestly feels equal parts exciting and emotional and freaking terrifying. So if you're listening right now while driving to work or folding the washing, avoiding your own life admin, stress cleaning your kitchen, or if you're sitting in your car trying to emotionally recover from a conversation that absolutely did not need to affect you this much, you're definitely my kind of woman. This podcast is for women who are rebuilding themselves in real time. Not perfectly, not gracefully, not with matching active wear and a morning routine that starts at 4 a.m. with lemon water and inner piece. And there's nothing wrong with that, by the way. I wish that's how my morning started. But I've tried and it's just not for me. But I'm talking about real life, right? The messing middle, the what am I even doing phase, the trying to rediscover yourself after years of being everyone else's emotional support human phase. And honestly, this first episode feels like the perfect place to start.

The Likeable Version That Asked Least

SPEAKER_00 2:04

I called it the version of me everyone else was comfortable with, because I think a lot of us eventually realized something uncomfortable. The version of us people like the most was often the version of us that asked for the least. For years, well, practically my whole life, I genuinely thought that being a good person meant being endlessly accommodating. The being easygoing, reliable, strong, low maintenance, being the one who could handle things. And look, sometimes that is strength. Sometimes it is important to be that way. But sometimes, sometimes it's trauma wearing a productivity badge, right? Sometimes it's survival mode, dressed up as capability. Because if I'm really honest, a lot of my identity got built around being useful, being needed, being dependable, being the one who keeps everything moving while quietly falling apart in private. And the scary part is people praise you for it. They love the version of you that doesn't complain. The version that says all good while internally running on caffeine, anxiety, resentment, and pure spite, right? The version that absorbs all the tension just to keep everybody else comfortable. That version of you that overexplains herself because God forbid someone misunderstands your intentions. The version that says no worries when there are fucking hundreds of them. And after enough years of doing that, you stop knowing where the performance ends and where you begin. You become emotional shapeshifty. You know, different versions of you for different people, right? The work version, the relationship version, the family version, the I'm fine version, the strong version. Meanwhile, the real you is somewhere in the background going, um, hello, remember me?

When Capability Is Survival Mode

SPEAKER_00 4:24

And I think one of the biggest realizations I had in midlife, and by the way, I'm not a fan of that term, but it is what it is. So a huge thing for me was realizing how much of my personality had been built around avoiding discomfort. Not just my discomfort, everybody else's. I didn't want people upset with me. I didn't want conflict. I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be needed and loved. So I got very good at softening myself, softening my opinions, softening my needs, softening my reactions. I even packaged up my mental health conditions so other people felt more comfortable. I talked myself out of my own feelings before anyone else even had the chance to. And seriously, that kind of self-abandonment becomes so normal you don't even recognize you're doing it anymore. You just become the strong one. Which sounds nice until you realize that the strong one is usually the woman crying in the shower because she's emotionally exhausted from carrying everybody and still somehow she feels like she failed. I think women especially get conditioned into this idea of that being lovable means being manageable. And I mean, I could be wrong, but I feel like it's more prevalent in our generation. I remember this constant pressure to always be pleasant, be understanding, be patient, be selfless, be agreeable, don't be hard work, don't be dramatic, don't be too much, and don't make people uncomfortable, right? Don't rock the boat. Meanwhile, in the back of your head, you're like, I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore. And that's the part nobody really talks about or just brushes off. The identity loss. Because when you spend years shape shifting to survive relationships, motherhood, marriage, divorce, workplaces, expectations, trauma, stress, people pleasing, eventually you wake up one day and realize you've become a version of yourself that everyone recognizes except you.

Identity Loss And Boundary Backlash

SPEAKER_00 7:00

And hear me when I say this the people around you are very comfortable with the watered-down version of you because boundaries inconvenience people. Growth changes relationship dynamics. And the moment you stop over-functioning, stop overgiving, stop over-explaining, some people don't like it. Not because you're doing something wrong, but because the old version of you benefited them. And that's a hard pill to swallow. It's scary. Especially for women our age who were raised to believe that being good meant being endlessly available emotionally. But I've learned and I continuously remind myself that there is a difference between being kind and abandoning yourself to keep the peace. Because peace brought through self-betrayal isn't actually peace, it's suppression.

What Self-Betrayal Does To You

SPEAKER_00 8:07

And eventually your body starts screaming what your mouth won't say, right? You become burnt out, snappy, flat, emotionally numb, resentful. You develop chronic pain illnesses, suffer depression, anxiety, irritable bow. You crave alone time, not because you hate people, but because you're exhausted from performing these versions of yourself or wearing these masks all day, every day. Right?

Pause Then Tell Small Truths

SPEAKER_00 8:41

So what do we actually do with this? Because I don't want this podcast to be welcome back to another episode of Paige Emotionally Unraveling in your ears, right? I want this to help. So this week I don't want you to try to reinvent yourself overnight. I just want you to start noticing things. Okay. Notice where you automatically say yes before you even check whether or not you want to. Notice where you over-explain basic boundaries like you're standing in court defending your case. Because we've all done it. Notice where you laugh things off that actually hurt you. Notice where you act all easygoing, but you can feel your body tightening. And one tiny thing that I want you to practice this week pausing. Before you answer people, before you agree to anything, before you volunteer yourself for something, just pause. It's harder than you think, but it's so important. Because that tiny pause is where your real voice starts coming back. And I also want you to start telling the truth in small safe ways. Now, not brutal honesty or chaos or blowing up your life, just small moments of honesty. Like I'm actually tired, or that doesn't work for me, or like I need to think about it. Or I don't really agree. Or you know, I don't want to do that. Tiny things. Because reclaiming or rebuilding yourself, it doesn't happen in one massive empowering movie moment, right? It happens in the quiet little axe of finally choosing yourself. And maybe that's the whole point of this season of life. Not becoming somebody new because, like, I swear, she's still in there, hey. It's slowly finding your way back to her, to the parts of yourself you buried underneath the survival mode and the trauma. But the parts that had opinions, needs, standards, joy, and personality, the parts that existed before life taught you that being lovable meant being small. And look, I've been there and I'm still figuring it out. This podcast isn't coming from someone who has all the answers. I I'm a 51-year-old woman who has been in the thick of it, and I probably still am most of the time. But I'm trying to become more honest with myself, more grounded and more myself after decades of being what everybody else needed me to be. I know so many other women are in this place too. And if you're one of them, as cheesy as it sounds, I need you to know you're not alone.

Closing Thoughts And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 12:17

So thank you so much for being here with me today for the very first episode. I'm sure that it sounds a bit clunky and stopstarty and my thought process and everything, but hopefully I will get way more comfortable as time goes on, because there are so many more podcasts that episodes that I want to do, so much more that we need to dive into and talk about. Um some of it will get a little bit more real and deep, and other stuff I have, it's just shit you need to hear. But the fact that this podcast now officially exists feels slightly unhinged, but kind of beautiful. So until next time. Every chapter we explore together, I've got some version of it today. So in today's episode gave you the one thing to think about, feel, question, or try. I'd love to hear how you use it. Until next time, keep embracing the messy unfinished unapologetic.